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Dos and Don’ts When Supporting Friends and Family Members Who Are Grieving

When a friend or family members loses a loved one, we want to be there to support them. Often, though, it can be difficult to know what to say or do. We want to be sensitive to their loss, giving them the time they need, but we also want to make certain they know we care and share their sadness. We want to say something, but we don’t want to say “the wrong thing.” Here are some guidelines for being a real source of comfort at such a time.

Things That Will Help

  • Saying or doing something—Be willing to express your condolences, but keep it short and to the point. It’s not as much what you say, but that you say something. “I’m sorry for your loss” says all you need to say. Likewise, a simple card with the same message conveys that you care.
  • Letting your loved ones feel their feelings—That’s how the grieving process works. Your loved ones have just experienced a big change in their lives and they need to acknowledge and respond to the change. That may include anger, crying and other emotions that can be difficult to observe. But if you don’t let them feel and express those feelings, they’ll just keep them inside.
  • Listen, listen, listen—The less you talk and the more you listen, the better you’ll be able to help someone in his or her grief. Don’t try to find the right words to “make everything alright” or “help them move forward.” They’ll need to figure that out. Simply knowing that you’re there and that you’ll listen can help them to just that.
  • Don’t feel like you have to do what others are doing—Everyone has distinct gifts to offer. You may not be strong at listening, but you may be able to cook and deliver a meal, or take them out to lunch. There are myriad ways to show that you care. Remember, too, that bigger is not necessarily better. You don’t have to engage in grand gestures—sometimes the simplest things can have the most meaning.
  • Help them find others who have had a similar experience—If you’ve recently lost a loved one, you may have some inkling of how they are feeling, but you don’t know all that they are feeling. Be willing to answer questions they might have about your recent loss. If you don’t have a similar experience, it’s better to help them find a support group, where the participants are feeling many of the same emotions.

Things to Avoid Saying or Doing

  • Don’t say too much—We do this in many ways. We may try to diminish the loss by saying things like “he’s in a better place” or “he’s no longer suffering.” While our loved one may agree with those statements, they ring hollow when we say them. On the other hand, it’s not helpful to indulge in their loss, with comments like “I just don’t know how you’ll go on…”
  • Avoid comparisons of any kind—Every loss is different. You may have some understanding of some of the emotions your friend or loved one is feeling, but you can never know exactly what they are experiencing…and it wouldn’t change how they are feeling, even if you did understand. It’s not about understanding, it’s about expressing your love, compassion and condolences.
  • Don’t try to rationalize or justify the loss—Avoid statements such as “it’s a part of God’s plan,” or “At least he won’t have to suffer any more.”
  • Don’t avoid talking about, either—When you see a friend or loved one who has suffered a loss, don’t assume they don’t want to talk about it. If you haven’t had the chance, simply tell them you are sorry for their loss. If you have, just ask how they are doing. Don’t pry, though—let them be willing to talk as much or as little as they want about their loss.

Gutterman’s—We’ll Be There in Your Time of Loss

At Gutterman’s and Gutterman Warheit, with funeral chapels in New York and Florida, we bring more than 125 years of experience and understanding to members of the Jewish faith who have had a loved one pass. We have a thorough knowledge of the unique customs within each Jewish tradition. We’ll provide guidance and direction on all matters related to a funeral or burial service, from the structure of the memorial service to arrangements for Shiva, the choice of a marker or monument or the creation of a Yahrzeit calendar. We will also work directly with the Chevra Kadisha to ensure proper preparation of the body.

Let Gutterman’s and Gutterman’s Warheit handle the details so that you can take the time you need to grieve your loss. To learn more about our full range of services, call us at one of the numbers below. Our funeral chapels are open, so we are happy to meet with you in person, but we are also happy to consult with you by phone, text message or videoconferencing. Our phones are answered 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.