The Ways that You Can Express Your Sympathy For Someone’s Loss
When a friend or acquaintance experiences the death of a loved one, you want to take the right steps to convey your concerns and condolences, so that they know you are thinking about them in their time of bereavement. If the person who died was of the Jewish faith, there are specific customs that are followed, many of which are unfamiliar to those outside the faith. Let’s look at some of the things you should and shouldn’t do to share your sympathies.
Don’t Send Flowers
Though it’s common practice in other traditions to send a plant or a bouquet of flowers to the funeral home or to a mourner’s home, that practice is frowned upon within the Jewish faith, for a number of reasons:
- Because Jewish belief considers everyone equal in death, the funeral and burial are simple and free of anything that might contradict that perception. For that reason, flowers, ornate coffins and other indications of wealth or privilege will typically not be a part of a Jewish funeral or burial. As a general rule, the coffin is a simple pine box.
- In Judaism, a funeral is considered a solemn occasion. Flowers are seen as contradictory to that spirit.
- Because they die, flowers are also seen to represent the temporal nature of life. Under Jewish custom, memorials typically have more permanence.
Visit the Mourner at the Shiva
In Jewish practice, when a person dies, immediate family members will engage in a custom known as “sitting shiva.” Derived from the Hebrew word for “seven,” shiva lasts for seven days. There are also seven family members who sit shiva—mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter and spouse.
There are no faith-based restrictions on who may visit a home during shiva, though the family may set specific hours for visitation, so that they can have time alone together. The family may also limit who can visit.
When you make a shiva visit, you’ll typically find the front door unlocked, so that you can go in without knocking or ringing the bell. Once there, you should refrain from starting conversations, focusing instead on listening. Avoid small talk and keep your comments brief. Express your condolences directly and succinctly…typically, the best thing you can say is “I’m sorry for your loss.” Once you’ve done that, you should depart. Upon leaving, it’s Jewish custom to say “May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”
Send a Shiva Basket
During the seven days of shiva, mourners will generally refrain from leaving the shiva house, so may need food and/or beverages. It’s tradition to send a “shiva basket,” which can contain any assortment of items, most often including fruit, nuts, chocolates, baked goods and desserts. You can also send a planned or prepared meal, with fish, meats, bread and vegetables. You can deliver it yourself or have the meal catered.
Other Acceptable Means of Expressing Sympathy
As in other traditions, sympathy cards are common within the Jewish faith. Typically, the message is hand-written, and most often a simple statement, such as “Please accept our condolences.”
It’s also common practice for friends and colleagues to engage in volunteer work or perform an act of charity (known as an act of tzedakah) in memory of the deceased. That may also involve a donation to a synagogue or charitable organization.
You may also choose to plant a tree in Israel in the name of the decedent.
The Proper Greeting When You Visit Mourners
Knowing what to say to someone who has just experienced the death of a loved one can be challenging. Here are three greetings customarily used by Jewish mourners:
- My condolences
- May you suffer no more
- May the place console you
Gutterman’s and Gutterman Warheit—Compassionate and Comprehensive Guidance in Your Time of Loss
At Gutterman’s and Gutterman Warheit, we bring more than 125 years of experience and compassion to members of the Jewish communities in New York and Florida, offering assistance with all matters related to funeral and burial services. We handle every detail, from the memorial service to the selection of a monument or marker, the creation of a Yahrzeit calendar and even preparations for sitting Shiva. We will also work with the Chevra Kadisha to help prepare of the body for burial according to Jewish customs. We provide comprehensive funeral and burial services to individuals and families from all Jewish traditions.
If you need assistance with funeral and burial preparations after the death of a loved one, or simply want to learn how we can be of service to you, call us at one of the numbers provided below. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to assist you.
Gutterman’s & Gutterman Warheit — Where Relationships Matter
Family Owned and Operated Since 1892
Rockville Centre: (516)764-9400 | Woodbury: (516)921-5757 | Brooklyn: (718)284-1500
Boca Raton, FL: (561)997-9900 | (800)992-9262