Dos and Don’ts For Helping Someone through a Loss
When a friend or family member has suffered the death of someone close to them, you want to be a source of comfort and assistance, but it can often be difficult to know exactly what to do. You want to be sensitive to their loss without unnecessarily deepening their grief. Here are some simple ways to respectfully aid a friend or family member in those difficult times.
Be Present, But Not Omnipresent
In the aftermath of loss, we naturally find comfort in communication with others. When your friend or loved one has experienced a death, don’t be afraid to reach out to them, either in person or through other means. Don’t just drop in on them, though…call, text or e-mail them first to see if a personal visit will be welcomed. They may have many others already coming or be challenged to find time to spend with you. In most instances, a phone call means just as much as a personal visit.
Let Them Grieve
It’s difficult for most of us to see other people suffer, so we naturally try to alleviate that suffering by changing the subject when it comes up, or by expressing platitudes that we believe will take a person’s mind off their loss. Grieving is a process that everyone must go through, with many stages that we wouldn’t want to be a part of everyday life—sadness, anger, depression, anxiety. To get to the other side of grief, though, we must experience them.
When your friend or loved one shows signs of these emotions, it’s okay. Feeling them is the best way to get through them. One of the most important forms of grieving is through the shedding of tears. If your friend or family member starts to cry, let them. For most people, it’s a cathartic experience that helps along the path of grieving.
Acknowledge that Their Grief is Unique
We do it naturally—we compare others experiences with our own. But when a friend or family member has lost a loved one, it’s generally not helpful to do that. Their experiences with their loved one were different from yours, so their sense of loss cannot really be compared to yours. Furthermore, it can often sound like you’re suggesting that their loss was not as devastating or significant as yours, whether that’s your intent or not. Let their loss be their loss.
Be Spare with Your Words
Comforting a friend or family member through grief is much more about listening than about anything you say. The best thing you can often do in such a situation is to simply say “I’m sorry,” and stop talking. It’s fine to share stories about the deceased, but resist the urge to minimize or rationalize the loss. Avoid cliches that can often diminish their grief.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions, such as:
- Is there anything that needs to be done?
- Is your friend or family member sleeping/eating?
- Has your friend or family member started returning to normal activities of daily life, such as work or hobbies (Caveat: Simply asking the question is enough—don’t lecture or advise that it’s time to do so, as they will usually figure that out on their own)
- Is there anything else bothering them?
- Do they have someone they can call or talk to if they are feeling anxious or depressed?
Offer Assistance with the Routine Activities of Daily Life
In the midst of grief, many people find it challenging to complete many of the most basic tasks. This is an area where you can be of inestimable value. Don’t assume, though—it’s always better to ask. Some ways that you can help your friend or family member have the time to work through their grief:
- Offer to cook for them or clean their house
- Offer to sit with minor children, so that they can run errands
- Offer to help them with laundry, yard work or vehicle maintenance
- Offer to help with the organization or coordination of financial or other household matters
Gutterman’s—Serving the Jewish Community for Five Generations
At Gutterman’s, with funeral chapels in New York and Florida, we have provided compassionate and comprehensive funeral and burial services to members of the Jewish faith for over 125 years. We are familiar with the unique traditions with Judaism, and can be of service to you in many ways, helping to prepare the memorial service, select a monument or marker for your loved one, write a loving and meaningful obituary, take care of arrangements for Shiva or create a Yahrzeit calendar.