Supporting a Family Member or Friend in Times of Loss
When a family member or friend is grieving the death of a loved one, we want to be a source of comfort and support for them. While we can act with the best of intentions, we can unfortunately do things that only exacerbate their pain or sense of loss. Here are some recommendations, based on our experience over the last century and a quarter, of ways that you can fully support a loved one in times of loss. We also include some things you shouldn’t do.
Helping a Grieving Person—Understanding Grief
Before you can be truly supportive of a person who is grieving, you need to understand the grieving process. The first thing to understand? It’s different for every individual. There’s no right or wrong way to mourn the loss of a loved one—you don’t have to “be strong” or stoic, and there’s no requirement that you cry. Don’t expect your loved one to act a certain way, and don’t try to steer them away from experiencing their grief in their own way.
Furthermore, there’s no clock or calendar for grieving. It’s never helpful to encourage a person to “move on” or get past their grief. Some may return to some sense of normality within a few weeks or months and others may need years. If you push a person to prematurely stop grieving, they may be unfinished and may feel the pain far longer than if you just let them work through it.
Don’t be scared by powerful emotional responses from individuals who are grieving. You may see all types of responses—sadness, fear, anger, guilt and even despair/hopelessness. Your friend or family member may engage in uncharacteristic mood swings or behaviors you haven’t seen before, and they may even direct their anger toward you. Don’t take it personally.
Supporting a Friend or Family Member—Understanding What to Say
It’s difficult for many of us to understand that we can communicate as much by our silence as we can with our words. It’s human nature to want to say the right thing to minimize someone else’s grief or loss, but what our loved ones typically need is our presence and our ears.
When consoling a friend or family member who is grieving, it’s always best to say little and listen a lot. The simple words “I’m sorry” are all you need to say. Resist the urge to say things like:
- “I know how you feel”
- “It’s all part of God’s plan”
- “He’s in a better place”
- “You’re going to be okay”
Your friend or family member may need to talk about their loss. It’s often helpful to ask “Do you feel like talking?” Don’t ignore the reality of the situation. Be willing to share positive experiences you had with the deceased. Furthermore, try to use simple and direct language, especially related to death. By saying, “I am sorry for the death of your husband,” you may be sending a message to the mourner that you are available and willing to listen to them express their grief.
Offering Practical Help to a Grieving Friend or Family Member
When a loved one dies, life goes on. For many, though, grief can be paralyzing, causing them to ignore day-to-day activities and responsibilities. Furthermore, because of the grief they are experiencing, they may find it difficult to ask for help.
Look for ways that you can help your friend or family member with the mundane activities of daily life, so that they can allow themselves to experience their loss. You may do something as simple as asking, “What can I do for you?” You may offer specific ways of helping, including providing them with meals, cleaning their house, taking care of family pets, assisting with insurance matters, or even helping with funeral arrangements.
Be In It for the Long Term
Often, the hardest times for persons grieving the death of a loved one are weeks, months or years down the road, when the other mourners are gone and they are left alone with their loss. Be willing to check in with your friend or family member on a regular basis. Set up a weekly or monthly get-together. Check in on them on holidays or other times when they may be more acutely aware of their loss.
Gutterman’s—Serving the Jewish Community for Five Generations
At Gutterman’s (New York) and Gutterman Warheit (Florida), we provided compassionate and comprehensive funeral and burial services to the Jewish community for more than 125 years. We know and understand the distinct funeral and burial customs within the different traditions, and will be there to help you handle all matters related to or arising out of the death of a loved one, from the planning of the memorial service to the preparation of the body (in coordination with the Chevra Kadisha), the selection of a monument of marker, the creation of a Yahrzeit calendar or the arrangements for Shiva.
To learn more about our full range of services, call us at one of the numbers below. Our funeral chapels are open, so we are happy to meet with you in person, but we can also consult with you by phone, text message or videoconferencing. Our phones are answered 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.